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Theatre Etiquette
by Tricia

Today I took some time out of my work day to watch the first half of the matinee of our current show, Perfect Wedding. My friend John-Michael is in it, so I thought I'd sneak in and just have a giggle at his funny expressions and jokes. I checked the chart in the ticketing system and there wasn't anyone sitting up there, so no one would notice if I snuck in and out. Grabbed a seat, got comfortable and got ready to laugh. About ten minutes in and usher came up with a large group of high school kids. Protocol dictates that if folks show up (especially a larger group of folks) after the show has begun, they are to be seated in the suite (provided it is available) so as not to disturb patrons on the floor. I'm wondering if these kids (and their chaperones, for that matter) had EVER been to a live event before. Apparently their bus got stuck somewhere or they got lost or whatever other sob story, and though we held the show 10 minutes waiting for them, they still arrived 10 minutes after the show started.

This group wanders in as if there's no one on stage. They are having conversations, stomping about, fighting over who is going to sit where, etc. I start to get frustrated. Two of the chaperones (large men) sat down in front of me, pretty much blocking my view, and one of them proceeded to pull out his cell phone and fiddle around on it. Great role model there, dude.

About 10 minutes later a man and woman walk in and sit down next to me. No big deal. A while after that, I hear a weird whimpering noise, look over and notice that the whimpering is coming from A BABY. Not just any baby, but a baby that looked as if it had been born about 2 hours before. WHO TAKES A NEWBORN TO A LIVE THEATRICAL PERFORMANCE? Unbelievable. The baby continued to whimper through the rest of the performance. Not loud enough to bother the actors, but loud enough to drive me crazy. The mom obviously was sure she could quiet baby down herself, and leaving the suite was not neccessary. Here's a note from a theatre professional to all people who have babies. IT IS NEVER COOL TO TAKE A BABY TO A LIVE PERFORMANCE. YOU MAY THINK "SHE'LL BE QUIET, NO ONE WILL NOTICE SHE'S THERE", BUT LET ME TELL YOU - PEOPLE NOTICE, AND WILL SILENTLY HATE YOU FOR RUINING THE NICE EVENING THEY PAID GOOD MONEY TO HAVE.

Then, at some point, a cell phone started to ring. Loudly. I couldn't tell where it was coming from, but it was apparent that the owner either was too old to hear it, or was embarrassed and pretending that it wasn't their phone. It just kept ringing. And ringing. Then, when it finally stopped ringing, the caller left a voicemail, causing the phone to let out a loud beeping noise. Really? Is it that complicated to silence your phone before the performance begins? Or, let's say you accidentally forget and your phone rings - the polite thing to do is turn beet red, look to your neighbors and mouth "sorry! sorry!" while fumbling hastily to turn the phone off, then sit ramrod straight in your seat for the next ten minutes thinking about how everyone is looking at you and silently hating you for ruining the nice evening they paid good money to have.

When it comes down to it, though, the reason for following these rules isn't just to create a happy theatre-going experience for the audience, but also to create a happy environment for the actors. How would you feel if you were giving the toast at your best friend's wedding, all eyes are on you, and all of a sudden a group of people walks in, or the pocket of some jackass starts to ring. It pulls focus! It's distracting and may cause you to lose your place, making you look and feel stupid.

So, in conclusion, don't be the jerk who takes a phone call (seriously - we have had people answer their phones and say "Oh, nothing - just seeing a play" in the middle of the performance), try to have the forethought to pee BEFORE the show starts so you don't distract everyone trying to get out of and back in to your seat, be sure to take your screamy baby out at the first indication of fussiness and for god's sake, SHOW UP ON TIME.

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